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Co-sleeping to the Crib

For the parents of co-sleeping children, there’s going to come a day when they finally have to put their child into their own bed for the night, and the longer they wait, the more the child is likely to resist.

I see a lot of people on my Facebook page saying, “Eventually, they’ll just decide they want to sleep alone,” or “They’ll move on when they’re ready. Enjoy it while you can.”

Oddly enough, these comments are always, always from people whose kids are still sleeping in their bed. I never hear this statement in the past tense. “My child just decided to sleep in his own bed one night and he’s been doing it ever since,” is a statement that has, perhaps, never been uttered by a human woman in earnest.

Which leads me to believe that the assumption that a small child will just decide, out of the blue, to stop sleeping next to the warm body of his favorite person, on a big, comfortable bed that he’s grown accustomed to, is similar to the belief of the average doomsday cult follower. “Oh yeah. It’ll happen. It was supposed to happen yesterday but it didn’t, for some reason. Tomorrow maybe, or the next day for sure.”

The truth (according to me) is that transitioning your child from your family bed to his own is going to be a difficult process for both of you. (Which is a great reason, among many, not to start co-sleeping in the first place, but that’s beside the point. We’re here now, let’s talk solutions.)

You can imagine that your child will be more than a little confused as to what he’s done to warrant being banished from his favorite place, so take some time to explain that this is not a punishment or a sign that they’re no longer welcome, but a part of growing up. Otherwise, Mom and Dad would still be sleeping with their parents, and the family bed would be terribly overcrowded. (And horribly, disgustingly awkward.)

  • Celebrate the occasion

Making a big deal out of the “graduation” can help to reinforce this idea of the solo bed as a positive experience. A little party, a graduation cap, or a certificate with your child’s name on it to hang over his bed, are great ways to show that you’re proud of him and not attempting to distance yourself from him.

Assuming your child is still too young to appreciate the celebration, no worries! Have a party for you and your partner. After all, part of you is probably going to miss having your baby in bed with you. This is a great opportunity to reminisce a little, mark one of your baby’s first milestones, and think about the benefits of getting your bed back.

  • Take it in steps

I’ve talked with a lot of moms who have had success using the gradual removal technique, where they sat next their child’s bed until they fell asleep for the first night, and then gradually moved their chair out of the room a little bit every night after that.

This is very similar to the Stay-In-The-Room method we outline in the Sleep Sense Program, which I highly recommend if your little one is having trouble sleeping through the night. (See what I did there? That’s what’s known as a “shameless plug.” Brought to you by the Sleep Sense Program.) This is a great way of acknowledging your little one’s concern, showing you care, and reinforcing the fact that they’re not being punished. It’s gentle, incremental, and probably the easiest option for everyone involved.

  • Establish consequences

Finally, when you do get them to accept the idea that they’re going to be sleeping in their own room from now on, you’re going to deal with them coming out of their room when they have trouble sleeping. I find the best solution to this little experiment is to take them back to their bed the first time it happens, and let them know they’re not to do it again. If they come out a second time, walk them back and tell them you’re going to close the door if they come out again. (Not for the whole night. We’re not monsters here. One minute usually works well for a starting point.)

If it continues, up the length of time that the door gets closed. Two minutes for the second offense, five for the third, etc. There’s something about a closed bedroom door that kids just despise, and they’ll typically get the message pretty quickly.

  • No Backsies!

Don’t start down this road unless you’re willing to go all the way. Allowing co-sleeping when baby shows up in your room at night, or letting it slide a few nights a week, will only confuse the child and they’ll get into a habit of waking up at night in order to climb into bed with you. Make a commitment and stick to it.

The decision on whether or not to co-sleep is a deeply personal one, and one you should discuss with your partner, preferably before baby arrives. I certainly wasn’t a huge fan of it, but if it’s something you choose to do, please make sure you do it safely, and that everyone in your family is getting enough sleep.

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Cry-it-out? Coddle? Co-sleep? Attachment parenting? Ferberizing?
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Dana’s Sleep Blog

Straight talk about sleep, parenting,
babies, toddlers, relationships… and
just about anything else!
My blog is a great place to find opinions, advice, the occasional rant, and some great videos about sleep.

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