Hi. I’m Dana Obleman. Welcome to this week’s videoblog. Today, I want to talk a little bit about toddlers and more specifically about keeping your toddler in bed. I find that a lot of clients struggle with the transition from a crib into a big girl or boy bed.

Most of the time, the trouble starts about three or four weeks after the transition. I call those first four weeks the honeymoon phase, where the toddler isn’t quite sure yet what’s going on. Probably, hasn’t even really figured out that he can get out of this toddler bed. Most parents feel like, “Oh wow that was really smooth, that went off without a hitch.”

Then three weeks later, the games start. The most common toddler game playing at bedtime is getting out and coming to see where you are. For most of this little guy’s life, he’s been confined to the crib. He’s never had that freedom, so you can that’s really tempting. To keep getting out of the bed, go to see where mommy is, you tell him not to, put him back in his bed.

I’ve had clients email and call me and say, “Dana, this is going on for an hour or more every night. He comes out. I put him back. He comes out. I put him back.” Even if you’re getting angry with him because this is frustrating.

You want your evening, you’re about to watch your favorite show, and you’re getting a little visitor over and over again. It’s frustrating. Even if you’re getting frustrated, you might even end up raising your voice towards the end. It will really feel like nothing is working. It doesn’t matter how mad you get. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell him not to. He just keeps doing it.

There are a few reasons why he’s doing this. One is there’s no consequence. It doesn’t matter if you’re getting angry, it doesn’t matter if you’ve raised your voice. For a toddler and most toddlers, any kind of attention is still attention. Even if you’re getting angry and raising your voice, you’re still giving him lots of undivided attention, and if this is going on for an hour or more, this is really rewarding.

I am getting all kinds of feedback and interaction, visits with my mom, and it’s going to go on and on. So, it’s not going to end, unless there’s a consequence. What could be a good consequence? You getting mad, not a consequence, so let’s just take that right off the list. There needs to clear boundaries and consequences in order to keep a toddler in their bed.

My favorite and I’ve used it with my own children. I tell all my clients to use it is a strategy I call locking the door. You’re not going to literally lock the door, so don’t panic. But you are going to say after he’s come out one time. You’re going to say, if you come out again I’m going to have to lock your door. That’s a consequence.

A toddler knows that’s not a good one. I’ve never met a toddler who really doesn’t care if you’re going to lock his door or not.

If he comes out again you’re going to say, “OK, back to bed now. I’m locking your door.” By that I mean, you’re going to close it tightly all the way until it latches and you may actually have to hold on to the doorknob on the other side. You’re going to have that door fully closed for one minute. Even if he’s on the other side kicking and banging and asking to be let out or open the door. One minute, that’s all.

That sets a consequence. If you come out of your room, I’m going to do that. It usually only takes about two maybe five times, where he comes out, you return him to bed, and lock the door. Now, here’s the tip. You’ll need to lock it for a little bit longer each time. The second time he comes out, up it to two minutes. Third time, it’s three minutes.

There will come a time where it’s been long enough that he really didn’t like it and if he doesn’t like it that means he’s going to stop the behavior. You haven’t had to get mad. You haven’t had to raise your voice. You haven’t had to even really do much talking. One place a lot of people get snagged up here is with the warnings. I know I’m guilty of it occasionally, too, where I’ve given a warning and then I don’t follow through.

You really have to, especially if you want this behavior to end as quickly as possible. One warning, that’s it. Your child is clever enough to understand that if he does something again, there will be a consequence. If he comes out one time, you say, “You must go back to bed. You must stay in your bed. If you come out again, this is what’s going to happen,” and you lay it out.

He comes out, now the consequence. You do not need to keep going over this. Again, your child is clever and smart and understands the English language, whether or not you think he does. He does. If he comes out again, you don’t need to reiterate the warning because you’ve already said it once. He doesn’t need to know again. It’s just back to the room for the door lock, longer and longer.

If your toddler is just the rare exception to rule and doesn’t seem to mind the idea of the door being closed all the way and secured, then you can try something else. Maybe he has a lovey that he is really attached to, his blankie, or a little stuffed toy of some kind. That can be the consequence. “I’m going to take away the lovey.” Now, I understand that sounds fairly harsh, but remember you’re not taking this away for the night.

Don’t ever say that because it’s a consequence that very few parents can actually follow through on and so you’re really backing yourself into a corner with that. But, you’re just taking it. Taking it away a little longer each time will really show him that it’s unacceptable to get out of your bed and if you do something that you dislike is going to happen. That’s what you need to really curb any behavior, but especially around bedtime.

Thanks for watching and sleep well.