Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.

This week’s question is from Nat. She writes:

“My daughter is 20 months old and has never slept through the night. She has been sleeping in our bed, on and off, for a year. My relationship is at the breaking point and our daughter is exhausted. She will only let me get her to sleep with a feeding and then I have to sit by her crib until she falls asleep.

She will then sleep in the crib for a couple of hours but then wakes up and will not stop crying until I take her to bed where she nurses most of the night until around 5:00 a.m. and then she will not go back to sleep after that.

I am exhausted too and I find it hard to function. My marriage is in crisis and I do not know what to do. I really need some advice that can solve this problem before it is too late.”

Your note makes me feel sad for you Nat, and I see these messages a lot. I read it a fair bit in the blog and it really upsets me because I think the bigger problem here is that your marriage is in crisis. I can totally understand that after 20 months of not sleeping well, the strain is there for everyone involved and I agree with you that you need to solve this problem before it is too late.

What would be “too late” is if things totally fall apart and your marriage is ruined because of it. No one starts out a family with the idea that it is going to ruin their relationship. You bring a child into this world to nurture your relationship and to fulfill your life, not to make it worse. So I encourage everyone out there who is on the fence about whether or not to solve their child’s sleep problem to really have a hard look. If you feel anything like this — where you are exhausted and you cannot function or that your marriage is in a crisis — then there is no excuse not to solve things.

The most important thing you can give your children is a well-functioning marriage, and I really feel strongly about that. I just think it is something that has to be addressed. If you are to the point where you are really feeling the strain in your relationship, then it is important to get your husband on board. Sit down and have a conversation about how you really need to get a better night of sleep and that your daughter needs a better night of sleep. Explain that it will make you feel healthier and happier in the long run, and really get him onboard with it.

Now, guessing by what you have written, a lot of the problem here is the nursing-to-sleep association, because of the fact that once she is in bed with you, she nurses almost all night long. So she is basically just using the breast as a pacifier, which does not really let either of you get a good night’s sleep.

So first of all, sit down and get a plan in place. Get your husband on board because there is a lot he can do here to help, especially if nursing is the issue. Having your partner be involved is really helpful because your child knows that they are not going to get nursed from their father so that’s a good person to send in for those night wakings, when you know that your baby is expecting to be nursed.

I am going to suggest that you start at bedtime. Some good news is that she does sleep in her crib initially, so it is not totally foreign to her. Start with your bedtime routine. Examples of good routines are to start with a 10 minute bath, followed by getting into pajamas.

At 20 months, I really do not think she needs to feed right before bed. I would consider pulling the nighttime feed or replacing it with a sippy cup of warm milk because she likely relies on that nursing to get her almost to sleep or to sleep. I would suggest that you just pull it right from her routine.

After maybe a bit of a story time, a few cuddles and kisses good night, right into the crib she goes, awake. You can sit right by the crib and say a key phrase reminding her that it is sleepy time and you can even do a little bit of touching. You do want to be careful that you do not actually lull her to sleep with touching, because you are just replacing one prop with another.

You also want to work your way out of the room eventually as well. Especially at 20 months old, you do not want her to think that you are going to watch her every time she needs to fall asleep. Otherwise you are just going to get up five times a night to go in there and sit down in your chair again. You do want her to get comfortable enough with going to sleep on her own that she is not going to expect you to be there every time she wakes up.

I would suggest that you follow the stay in the room method where you sit right by the crib for three nights. Then you sit for three nights in the middle of the room, then three nights by the door and then you are outside the room. Handle the night waking exactly the same. I know that there is likely a time in the night where she will really dig her heels in and want to come to bed with you. You are going to have to push through that. Take turns with your husband or take nights in shifts, sitting with her by the crib. Keep reminding her that it is sleepy time.

At 20-months-old, for most children their comprehension is high; they might not be able to verbalize much but they definitely understand. Even at bedtime, you can tell her that she is going to sleep all night in her crib that night. Tell her that in the middle of the night when she is awake in there, she is going to stay sleeping in her crib. Explain “This is where you sleep and this is where you are going to stay.” Be supportive, but push through that difficult time in the night with no night feeds.

Again, I think we can agree that at 20 months she does not need to be eating in the night; not even once. It is better to just go cold turkey with the night feeds. It may not feel like it initially, but it is way less confusing if every wake up is just met in the exact same way. Then it is very clear to the child, and there are no surprises or waiting for anything. Every wake up should be the same, until morning. I would not consider morning anything before 6:00 a.m. and when she is up, then say good morning and that you are happy to see her and you take her out of the room for her first feed.

I would even try delaying that, by giving her a breakfast first. Sometimes, a toddler will wake up extra early, just really waiting and expecting that morning nurse. So by delaying it a little, you can encourage her to sleep a little later into the morning and really break that whole association that she has between eating and sleeping.

It is a tough job for me to tell already tired and exhausted people, to now be even more tired and exhausted. I realize that and it requires people to dig really deep into what they have got left. I do hear though, that as long as a person knows that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is easier to get through. Right now, you are just slugging along; every night is the same and you are sort of in this endless tunnel. It is depressing and it is hard to maintain. But if you make some steps you can know that in a week, it is going to be a lot better. You can dig really deep for a week, I’m sure.

That often gives people the motivation they need to stick with this and keep going. And also, remember to celebrate your progress! You might think that in a couple of nights, it is not yet where you want it to be, but it will definitely be better and then you can really celebrate! “Wow, look at how far she has come already in just a couple of days!” and again, that gives tired people the motivation to keep going.

I feel for you and I really encourage you to get started on this so that you are happier and your daughter is happier and more rested. Then you can start making these necessary steps to get your relationship back on track.

Thanks a lot for your question and sleep well.