Given how many families I’ve worked with in my career, people often ask me, “What is the most common, most substantial mistake you see parents making?” The answer, without a doubt, is failing to explain and administer consequences. We can tell our kids to stop tearing around the house, get ready for bed, or clean up their rooms until we’re blue in the face, but if we fail to provide them with a clear explanation of what the results will be if they don’t, we’re not going to get the results we’re after.
Dana Obleman: Hi there, I’m Dana. Welcome to this week’s video. Today I want to tell you what I see as the number one parenting mistake people are making. By far the number one biggest mistake. You have to remember, I see and hear from a lot of people, so I feel like I’m in a pretty good position to let you in on what I see as the biggest mistake. That is that there are no clear consequences.
When you look at life, it is full of consequences. If you make a decision to no longer go to work, for example, you know that the consequences will be that, “Uh oh, I’m going to get fired.” Right? So you make the choice to go to work every day because you don’t like the idea of the consequence.
This might happen for something like wearing your jacket in the winter time. If you don’t wear your jacket, that’s your choice, but you’re going to be cold. That’s the consequence, right? That’s just life. We’re full of choices and consequences. That is really what I try to teach parents that I work with, and I use in my own life as a parent, that I need to be really clear about what the consequences are.
Here’s a snapshot of an email I got the other day. This person had a three‑year‑old child who, now that he’s in a big boy bed, just keeps coming out of his room at bed time. He comes out, he comes out, and he’s got a varying reason for why he’s out. Bathroom, more kisses, blueberries, you name it. He’s asking for everything.
It’s becoming a real nightmare, really, for the whole family because they can’t relax and have a evening. He keeps coming out, they’re getting cross, it ends in yelling, and the whole thing just is no fun for anybody. The whole heart of the issue here is that there is no consequence for this behavior. Even yelling and getting angry, that’s not really a good consequence for most kids. Attention is still attention whether is negative or positive.
He’s just kind of keeping the show rolling here by coming out repeatedly and getting lots of attention for it. There’s no clear consequence. The simple way to solve this problem is to say, “Listen, you come out of your bedroom tonight, there will be a consequence. You come out once, I’m going to give you one warning. Then, I’m going to consequence.”
That really has to happen with everything. If I notice anything in my life that’s becoming a frustration point, for example, morning times. That can be tricky and there’s some frustration around getting ready for school, getting books ready, and all of that stuff. Whenever I feel like a few weeks have gone by and I’m really getting a frustration point around something in particular, I know it’s because I haven’t been clear enough with the consequences.
Getting out of bath was another one. When my kids were little, they didn’t like to get out of the bath. There was a big fuss and fight about getting out of the bath. I knew I wasn’t being clear enough of the consequences.
For example, around bath time I said, “Listen, if you can’t get out of the tub in a cooperative manner, then there are no stories tonight.” I had to follow through on that several times until they learned that, “if I don’t get out of the tub in a nice way, I’m not going to get a story tonight.” It sounds so simple and as you’re watching, you’re thinking, “Yeah, got it. Simple.” But what happens is we’re not clear enough.
Sometimes we give a consequence after no warning. We just lose our temper and say, “That’s it. Go to your room.” Or, “Go have a time out, I’m done with this, I’m frustrated, I’m sending you off.” Other times we give five or six warnings or even more. There’s no clear consistency behind it.
That will make your parenting journey much more challenging. Have a look, sit down, think where are the points in our day that are causing frustration on my part, how do I get clear about what those consequences are, and then stay consistent with it? I know it’s hard work at first, it’s really hard work, but I don’t think anyone ever promised you that parenting wasn’t going to be hard work, right? You’re tricking yourself if you think that’s the case.
The good news is that it does get easier. It does. I look at my own kids now, who are nine, ten, and thirteen, and I don’t have to give timeouts, I don’t have to yell, because I’ve laid the foundation that they understand that there’s consequences for bad choices. Not to say that they’re perfect and I don’t need to give them warnings. I absolutely do. But it gets easier if you lay the foundation. That’s my tip for you today. Thanks so much for watching.
Sleep well!
