Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.

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This week’s question comes from Cassandra who writes:

“My three-year-old will not go to bed unless I am the one who does bedtime. She screams if her Dad or Grandma tries it. What can I do?”

First of all Cassandra, there are a few extra strategies we can try with a three-year-old. One would be to make a chart to use before bed; just as simple as a calendar up on her wall by the bed with alternating pictures of Mommy and Daddy. Each night, she can go and look to see who is putting her to bed. You really do need to alternate, so that one night is you, the next night is dad, and so on. It’s important for her to know that the rules are the same no matter who puts her to bed. You do not want it to cause anxiety if you are out of the house for the night – you might like to go away at some point and it would be great if grandma could put her to bed as well. You do want her to feel comfortable enough with other people putting her to bed.

You have not said exactly what you do once she is in bed but I am going to assume that she falls asleep with you. I am guessing she falls asleep with you in the room or maybe it is just as simple as she just wants you to do the bath, jammies and the stories, and she will not let anyone else do that. You can also do the reward system. Again, very simple because she is only three and it also help to write these rules/rewards down and post them. It is something visible that the child can look at even though they cannot actually read it. Keep it very simple such as “Abby cooperates with bedtime when daddy does it and she gets a sticker” – really anything that is somewhat rewarding to your child.

On a scale of one to 10 (with 10 being the best reward and one being nothing special), you want the reward to fall maybe around a seven to eight. You do not want it to be the best thing ever because them you really have nowhere to go with it. But it should be rewarding enough that it is motivation for her to cooperate. You could use rewards for the steps of your bedtime routine. For every step, she gets a sticker. If she was cooperating in the bath with dad, she gets a sticker. If she was cooperating through getting pajamas on with dad, she gets a sticker…through stories, a sticker, an so on. That can just be a nice positive way to spin it, so that is something to look forward to and something to work towards. It will also make having dad put her to bed a bit more fun! If she puts up some protest when it is his night, you really should not let that sway you. Toddlers are certainly night watchmen. They go around testing all the doors but they do not really want them to open. If she puts up a fuss because it is dad’s turn and you give into it then that sort of sends her the message that she is the one in control of this and that is actually a fairly scary place for a toddler to be.

If she resists, you have got to persevere through it regardless. If it is dad’s night, it is dad’s night. You can give her choice in other ways. Maybe you lay out two sets of pajamas and she can pick which one she wants. Perhaps you have four stories laid out and she can pick two. That way she sort of feels like she has some say in the whole bedtime process but it is choice within a controlled environment. Ultimately, you are the guide through bedtime. So you have got to keep the reigns. You have got to give her a little bit of choice within the routine but you really have to show her that it does not matter who puts her to bed. It has got to be the same for everybody.

Good luck with that Cassandra and thank you for your question.

Sleep well!