Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.

A “sleep prop” is any external thing that your child needs in order to fall asleep, like a bottle or a soother… but it is possible for a parent to become a sleep prop too!

Bonnie wrote to me and asked:

“My daughter is 32 months old and has been in a toddler bed for several months now. Before we switched her to the bed, I had to rub her back until she fell asleep, otherwise she’d crawl out of her crib and come to our room. I am still having to sit next to her bed and rub her back until she falls asleep and this can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes. We do read books under a lamp for a few minutes before we turn out the lights. How can I turn off the lamp and walk out without her chasing after me?”

Bonnie rubbing her daughter’s back has become a sleep prop for her child. Sleep props come in all different shapes and sizes. They can be a bottle, a breast, a pacifier, and in this case, back rubbing. I had one client whose son would play with a mole on her neck until he fell asleep. Anything, even a mole, can become a sleep prop.

A sleep prop is something we tell ourselves we need in order to get to sleep. Even adults have them. I’ve had clients tell me that they can’t sleep unless a fan is going or a window is open “just so” or they’re not wearing socks. It’s not that you can’t sleep without these things; you can. But you’ve told yourself, convinced yourself, that you can’t, and the idea of trying to do without them causes so much anxiety that you hardly ever bother.

Adults and children both have sleep props. Bonnie rubbing her daughter’s back has become a sleep prop, and the child has convinced herself “I can’t get to sleep unless mommy rubs my back.” This is a great time to break the connection between back rubbing and falling asleep.

Bonnie has to encourage her daughter to find her own personal ways to get to sleep, to internalize her sleep strategy so that she can fall asleep by herself. Her child can get to the point where she thinks “I can do it by myself. It’s what I do to get myself to sleep at night.”

Introduce some sort of object to which the child might form a bit of an attachment. Perhaps you could pick up a new stuffed toy or a special blanket, something that becomes her “bedtime buddy” without really forcing the issue. Bonnie’s daughter hasn’t needed one because she’s had her mom’s back rubbing. But now we’re going to stop the back rubbing and replace it with something else, which will work out fine eventually.
Bonnie should do her bedtime routine like she normally does, but when it gets to the point where she’s turning out the lights and rubbing her daughter’s back, she should sit where she usually would sit, but not rub her child’s back.

Bonnie can ease the transition a little by intermittently rubbing her back for the first three nights. She could rub her for a bit and then stop for a couple of minutes. Rub her back, and then stop. Her daughter will notice and probably motion to her or say something to indicate that she wants her mom to rub her, but at this point mom is going to repeat the phrase that “It’s sleepy time now.” We don’t want to make a big deal out of it; we’re just going to quit doing it. We’re going to quit lolling her to sleep with the back rubbing.

On the fourth night, Bonnie should move her chair back about five feet from the bed. Now, there is no more touching at all, but she’ll stay there in the room until her daughter is asleep. Not rubbing her back or touching her in any way will be met with some protest, but it’s important to remain firm and repeat the key phrase until she goes to sleep without the back rubbing.

After a couple of nights with the chair in the middle of the room, move to the door and stay there for three more nights. No more back rubbing or touching in any way, just repeating the key phrase.

By now, Bonnie’s child has had several nights of practicing how to get to sleep without her mom’s help. It should be a relatively smooth transition when mom actually leaves the room all together.

If there is any night waking, you would handle it in much the same way. Go back to the chair, say your key phrase over and over, and keep touching to a very minimum if any at all, with absolutely no back rubbing. We want to encourage the child to experiment with ways to fall asleep that are all her own, ways that don’t involve mom in any way.

This really is a great skill for children to learn, that could grow and carry on throughout childhood. What could happen if the back rubbing, the sleep prop, doesn’t stop now? Bonnie’s daughter could become a four-year-old who still needs her back rubbed, then a five-year-old who needs her back rubbed before she falls asleep. And that could interfere in other things as well, like having a sleepover or going to a friend’s house for the night. Imagine the anxiety of her thinking “Oh, oh. I can’t do that because my mom won’t be there to rub my back.” Stopping the back rubbing, the “mommy as my sleep prop” is a good step to take and to take now,

If he’s helpful and supportive, you can also share this journey with your husband. Why couldn’t he spend alternating nights in the chair in your child’s room? You do one night, he does the next and so on. Your child might actually prefer daddy over mommy in this case. Again, it’s a good idea to make this a parent guided activity, and you should make it a rule to introduce your husband into this and other activities as well. With both parent’s participation, soon you all will sleep well.