Dana: Hi, I’m Dana. Today I want to talk about separation anxiety. A lot of people email me and say my eight month old, my ten month old, my two year old is going through a period of separation anxiety. I want to give you some tips here today for dealing with that. First of all that is normal behavior. We all get a little bit of separation anxiety. In fact if my husband goes on a business trip I feel a little bit of separation anxiety, don’t we all when a loved one leaves for a period of time? Completely normal reaction to have. I want to help you minimize it as much as possible. Now let me tell you a story about my own son. I have a son who has some high anxiety, that’s just part of his personality. I know that he looks for a lot of reassurance around things.

The truth of the matter is the reassurance doesn’t help. It almost makes the problem worse. It’s like the person that’s afraid to fly. They’re looking for reassurance from everybody that flying is safe. There is no end to how much reassurance they need. They need unlimited reassurance because they have that fear. That can be the same thing with separation anxiety. That if you reassure and reassure and never let the baby be alone, and always fly back into the room every time they express some displeasure about your leaving. You are reassuring them, but it’s not helpful. One of the main reasons why a baby in particular has separation anxiety is because they don’t understand yet that just because you’re out of sight doesn’t mean you’ve disappeared from the planet.

They worry that you’re gone, you’re absolutely gone and you’re not coming back. You can do little things like playing peek-a-boo is a great way to introduce a baby to the idea of object permanence. That just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean you stop existing or just get them engaged in an activity and walk away for a minute or two and then come back before they’re upset. Then they realize, “Oh, she’s walked away, but here she comes again and I’m not upset about that.” Distraction works really well. If you have to leave the room to go to the bathroom for example. You want to get your baby engaged in something. If they’re playing with a toy, or building with some blocks, or doing some coloring, or eating a snack and they’re distracted by what their task is then they’re not as likely to have issue with you walking away for a few minutes. Distraction works really well.

I’m not a believer in sneaking out. A lot of people if their baby gets upset, they don’t want their baby upset so they sneak away. Get the baby engaged with the babysitter and then make your exit. That in my opinion just reinforces this idea that if you’re out of sight you’re gone and I need to make a big production about that. I believe it’s better to say goodbye to the baby. That you are leaving now and have the baby see you go. Yes, she may cry. I want you to keep in mind that, that is not the end of the world, it really isn’t. I think we’ve become so over sensitive to our child’s upset that we’re doing all kinds of wrong things to prevent it.

Say goodbye and if she cries, she cries. The good news is five minutes after you’ve left the house, she is having fun with the babysitter and she’s not crying anymore. I know that’s hard, I’m a mom too, I get it. I’ve even had, I taught grade one. I’d have at least one grade oner every September cry and chase his mom down the hallway. She’d linger and she’d hang around. I’d have to finally say, “Just go, just go. Once you go he’s fine. You just have to go.” That’s my biggest tip is just go. You still have to leave your baby from time to time. The more practice and exposure they have to it, the more they will understand that, “Right, it’s okay. She goes but she always come back.”

All right. I hope that helps you a little bit. Thanks so much for watching today. Sleep well!