Did Having Kids Ruin Your Life?

What a question, right?

All right, maybe that’s a little harsh. Let me rephrase that as, “Were you happier before you had kids?”

It’s a question you hardly ever hear, and for good reason. I think a lot of people would respond pretty defensively if they were asked that by a friend or family member, because what it sounds like they’re asking is, “Do you love your kids?” That, I agree, is an insulting question.

But think about it for a minute. Would you say that having kids made you happier? Do you laugh more, have more fun, and enjoy your life more?

If not, take heart, because you’re not alone. The fact is, you’re not even in the minority!

A study published in Demography last month, by researchers Rachel Margolis and Mikko Myrskylä, found that 73 percent of the parents they surveyed reported a decrease in happiness after the birth of their first child.

Seventy. Three. Percent.

These weren’t women suffering from post-partum depression, or teenagers with unwanted pregnancies. These were mostly financially stable, married couples that wanted to have kids.

To top it off, participants said that the change in their well being after having their first child was, on average, worse than losing their job, losing a loved one, or going through a divorce!

Those are some pretty negative reviews for an event that’s supposed to be the happiest moment of your life.

So what’s the cause of all of this après-baby unhappiness?

Well, it could be any number of things. When you think about it, having kids puts a pretty abrupt halt to a lot of the things we used to do that gave us a giggle.

Can’t stay out partying until 3:00 A.M. anymore, that’s for sure. Even if you had the energy, who’s got the cash? Baby made short work of both of those. Travel? Yeah, right. With luck, we might get to the grocery store and back before our newborn has a meltdown, so hiking Machu Picchu probably isn’t in the books anytime soon.

But we knew that was coming when we decided to have kids, so there must be more to it than that.

According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, the major player in our feelings of disillusionment after baby number one is social isolation.

“When you’re getting a divorce, people are piling in to help you,” she told CBS This Morning. “They don’t pile in when you’ve had a baby. They figure you’re really happy. You get some presents from various friends, and then they just leave you alone because they figure you’re too tired and too busy.”

She said parents also suffer from exhaustion due to things like sleep deprivation, trouble breastfeeding, and the breakdown of their relationship with their partners.

I think what makes this situation even worse is the fact that, as new parents, we’re not allowed to tell anyone that we’re struggling.

With all of the helicopter parents and tiger moms out there, we’re scared to admit in mixed company that we went with formula over breastfeeding, or haven’t secured a space in the Montessori program by the time our baby’s six months old.

Forget about actually admitting that you’re disillusioned with the whole parenting thing in general. You’d be strung up by your thumbs!

Now, I’ve got to admit, nothing could have stopped me from having kids. I would have found a way to have a child even if I’d never met my fabulous husband.

Having said that, there have been times over the years where I’ve felt really low, and even at times wondered what I’d done to my life. I felt like I’d lost myself somehow and felt really trapped.

But I’m not the kind of person who stands around doing nothing when I’ve got a problem, so I worked hard, found a good therapist, and plugged through it, but I get where people are coming from when they say they’re feeling disillusioned.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine when you have kids. There can be some really dark days and I have kids that both sleep, and behave well!

A friend of mine put is so well once when she said, “There are moments of joy.”

Those are the moments you hang on to.

What are your thoughts? Don’t worry, I’m neither an attachment parent nor a tiger mom, and I’m not going to judge you either way. I’m just curious to hear about your experiences.