Please watch my video below to learn how to get your child to stay in bed.
If you’d rather read than watch, here’s a transcription of the video…
This week’s question comes from Rachel. She writes:
“My son is two and a half and he’s never been a good sleeper. Recently, we moved him from a crib to a twin size bed, and now it’s taking 30 to 45 minutes for him to fall asleep in bed with me — and his naps have become really short. My question is: Is he old enough that I should stop giving him his naps so he sleeps better at night?”
I think that at two and a half, my caution about moving from a crib to a bed is that I usually suggest that people don’t make the switch until at least two and a half. So he’s right on the cusp of being ready to move to a bed… but the problem is that you’ve said he’s never been a good sleeper. Most people, if they have a toddler who’s not sleeping well they think the solution to that problem would be to move their child to a bed. And occasionally — very, very occasionally — I hear from someone who said that that did actually improve things. But more often than not, it doesn’t. It makes matters worse. So you had a child that didn’t sleep great in the crib, but now you have a toddler who can get out of the bed and is still not sleeping well.
I want to go back into your question and where you’ve said it’s taking him 30 to 45 minutes to fall asleep with you in bed. Okay. That is the heart of your problem here. And what happens then is if he begins to associate the fact that sleeping involves you, so in order for sleep to come you need to be cuddling next to him, then he’s just going to have you know various nighttime wakeups wanting you to come in and recreate the whole experience that it was at bedtime and lay down with him. So you’re either going to have to go lay down with him or you might even get a little visitor in the night wanting to come lay down with you. That’s another common scenario.
So what I want you to do is, I want you to help him learn to fall asleep on his own. Meaning he doesn’t need any support… he doesn’t need any props… he doesn’t need anybody but himself in order to sleep. And how you’re going to do that is basically just work your way out of his room slowly.
So for the first three nights, I want you to sit in a chair beside the bed, not lay down with him. And if he’s not cooperating, and by cooperating I mean laying down quietly in bed, anything other than that is not cooperating. So if he’s sitting up or he’s trying to talk to you or he’s trying to get out of bed, even if he’s crying for you to lay down with him, I want you to give him one warning that he needs to lay down quietly in his bed or you are leaving. Give him five seconds or so to process that information. If he cooperates you, stay. If he doesn’t, I want you to get up, and calmly walk out of the bedroom for one minute.
Close the door solidly behind you and even hold it if you need to for one minute. That is the consequence for his uncooperative behavior. And after the minute, you can go back into the room, sit down in the chair, and resume. Again, if he’s cooperating, that’s wonderful! You can even praise him; thank you for laying quietly. If he’s not then you give the one warning: “Lay quietly and try to sleep or I leave.” If he’s not cooperating, then now you leave for two minutes. And you increase the time by one minute each time so that he learns that laying quietly keeps you there; being uncooperative makes you leave.
Most children will very quickly understand that those are the rules and they will lay and quietly and cooperate. And as the days move on, I would suggest you move further away from his bed until you’re at the door, maybe spend a couple of days just partially out of view in the doorway and a couple of days completely out of view just around the corner from the door. And same thing, you give the one warning and then there’s a consequence.
So now what you’ve done in that time is you’ve helped him find things within his own person that can help him get to sleep. And maybe that’s cuddling a teddy or finding a special blanket that provides him with a sense of security and comfort, but basically his skills for sleep become internalized. They’re dependent on him and him alone. So if he has a wakeup in the night and you’re not there, there’s no cause for alarm because he knows how to do this on his own. He knows it’s safe, he knows it’s warm, he knows how to do this, and the night wakings will stop.
Now with a two and a half year old, you need to be aware that most toddlers are very persistent and they can be very strong minded. So you’re going to be very black and white with your rules and you’re going to need to be very, very consistent, and keep doing it until it works. And it will work.
Thanks for your question, Rachel. Sleep well!