If you’d rather read than watch, here’s a transcription of the video…

This week’s question comes from Adrianna. She writes:

“My seven year old daughter is still having problems sleeping by herself. She goes to bed very late and although we have a routine, she still wants myself or her father to sleep in her bed until she falls asleep. Her routine is simple; after bath she reads for 30 minutes and then she watches TV for 30 minutes and then we read another book for an additional 30 minutes and at that point we turn off the lights and wait until she falls asleep which can sometimes take an hour and a half. What should we do?”

Well, I know a lot of you are probably thinking that seven years old sounds a bit extreme, but you would really be surprised to know that there are a lot of children who are still having some sleep struggles well into childhood. I’ve had clients who have eight and nine year olds who are still struggling with the idea of independent sleeping. They still want to sleep in bed with mom usually… and that can start causing some problems.

You know, what happens when she wants to have a sleepover or she wants somebody to sleep over at her house or go to summer camp and sleepover? If you have the idea that “I can’t sleep unless my mom or my dad is laying beside me,” then that’s going to cause you a lot of anxiety when you go to somebody else’s house or even when someone comes to your house. You might feel a little bit bashful to admit to your friends that in fact you need your mom or dad to lay down with you.

And so, that’s my caution to those of you with younger children. It really tends to be something that’s not outgrown very easily. Again, if it’s your sleep habit and it’s what you do every night, most people are really resistant to letting those things go and trying something new. We don’t like a lot of change to our sleep environment. And so it does become tricky at what age do you finally start trying this on your own.

One thing I noticed in your question is that her bedtime routine is way too long. You know I’m fine with the bath; I’m happy with the reading. I think you should eliminate the TV watching altogether before bed. There’s lots of evidence that suggests that watching TV an hour before a child’s bedtime is actually very stimulating and can sort of start that whole imaginative thought process. So it can be harder to wind down afterwards. So at my house we have a no TV at the dinner rule and then that, make sure that all our children have not watched TV before too close to bedtime.

So I would suggest you get rid of that. You could do that bath, get on your jammies, maybe have a snack instead, a light snack, some fruit or some milk, and then you can read with her in the bed, but when it comes to actually turning out the lights and going to sleep, I’d like to see lights out by about 8:00. I’d like you to instead of laying with her, the option now would be to sit beside the bed in a chair. Okay, so bring in a chair that’s easy to move around and you’re going to sit right beside the bed.

And that’s going to cause her a bit of anxiety and then she’s probably going to request that you lay down and try to barge in with you to get you to lay down with her and make all kinds of promises. And I want you to just stay firm with the idea that you will sit there until she’s asleep, but you’re no longer going to lay down with her, okay? And if she’s really fighting that, not cooperating, not trying to fall asleep then you would give her one warning. You have to try to sleep or I’m going to leave. And if she continues on with her behavior you just calmly get up, walk out of the room, and close her door for one minute. And that just sets the consequence that I’ll stay with you, but you have to cooperate and if you’re not going to then there’ll be a consequence for that.

And every time she tests you, you would just leave for a minute longer. And you might have to actually hold the door if she’s trying to take you out of the room. You do want it to be, you know you don’t want it to be something she doesn’t care about. A consequence has to have some meaning behind it. So just increase the time every time she tests. And then as the nights go on you would move your chair further from her bed. So you know my rule of thumb is three nights. Every three nights make a change. So three nights by the bed, three nights middle of the room, three nights at the door, maybe a couple of nights just slightly out of view from the door, even down the hall a night or two and then eventually you’re gone from the picture altogether.

And that’s sort of a slow transition into the idea that she doesn’t need you to lay with her in order for sleep to come and there are things within her own power that she can do to get herself to sleep. And, ultimately, we all need that skill. If I can’t sleep at night, there’s nothing anyone can do for me as much as they might wish they could. It really is a very internal skill base and she really does need to master those skills.

So, that’s my best advice for you Adrianna. Thanks a lot for your question and sleep well.