Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.

Does your toddler have their days and nights confused? You’ve got your hands full, but a proper night’s sleep could be right around the corner…

This week’s questions comes from Anne, who asks:

“My three year old Kurt doesn’t like to sleep. He never falls asleep before 3 a.m. and gets up around 1 p.m. He often takes a nap around 6 but refuses to sleep in his bed. He usually falls asleep either on our bed or on the couch, and then I transfer him to his bed. But then he wakes up every few hours and comes into bed with us. Do you think he has his days and nights mixed up and do I need to get a single bed in his own room? Any advice would be great.”

You can be sure that I have plenty of advice on this one… and that a lot of advice is needed!

I don’t like Kurt going to bed at 3 a.m. one bit. Many of you know that I’m a huge fan of an early bedtime. Unless Anne is a rock star or works a late shift, a 3 a.m. bedtime just isn’t going to work long-term for her son. Let’s address that part of the problem first.

Stop offering him a nap at 6 p.m. now, day one. Even if he sleeps until 1 p.m., in his new routine he won’t take a nap at 6 p.m. Instead, keep him busy and serve his supper at around 6 p.m.

Then at around 7 p.m., start his new bedtime routine. The nice thing about this age is that you can make it interactive and a fun thing for him. Start by writing down the bedtime routine. Go over it with him, showing it to him as you talk about it. Again, make it fun and interactive.

The new bedtime routine starts with a bath at about 7 p.m. Then at about 7:10 he should get on his pajamas and brush his teeth.

Next, it’s time for two and only two stories. Read the stories to him in his room but not on his bed. He has an association between sleep and his parents, so it’s important that you don’t put him to bed or that you lie down on the bed while reading. Sit in a chair or even on the floor for the two stories. And then it’s bedtime.

At 8 o’clock, into bed he goes and the lights go off. This would be a great time to remind him of the new “reward system” that’s part of the bedtime routine. Make up a separate chart that says something like “Sleep all night in your own bed, in the morning you get a Hot Wheel, or a sticker, or a Smarty.” The reward doesn’t have to be huge, but it needs to be somewhat rewarding to the child. That might give him a little more incentive to follow along with the new routine and maybe be a bit more cooperative.

Kurt probably has a hard time being on his own, that’s why he sleeps on the couch or with his parents. Because of that, the “stay in the room” method would probably be best for him.

Kurt’s mom or dad, alternating nights between the two of them, sits in a chair beside his bed. The rules here are simple; you do not lay down with them, they may not get out of bed, they have to lie down and they have to be quiet. Plain and simple – those are the rules.

You’ll stay in the chair beside him until he’s asleep, but he has to follow the rules by lying down and being quiet. If he’s not doing those things, if he’s getting up, talking or trying to engage you, give him one warning. Warn him that if he doesn’t cooperate, if he isn’t following the rules, you’re going to leave the room.

Now, stand up. If he still is not following the rules, walk out of the room and close the door behind you for one minute. You’re sending a message that you mean business; that they have to cooperate or you’re going to go.

After a minute has gone by, return to the chair in the room. If they still are not cooperating, give them another warning. If this doesn’t work, then you get up and leave again, this time for two minutes.

Each time they test the boundaries, each time they don’t follow the rules, you’re going to leave the room for a minute longer that the last time.

It’s not that you’re “never coming back” or letting them “cry it out.” You’re simply letting them know that there are consequences to their behavior. If they cooperate, you stay. If they don’t, you leave. And for this age group it’s important that you stay very simple, very black and white.

Again, you’re going to stay in the chair until they’re asleep and then you’ll leave. If they wake up during the night, you’ll return to the chair and sit beside them until they fall back asleep. Don’t worry; this is just the start of the “stay in the room” method and only short term. You’re not going to be doing this every night.

Next, you’re going to “move” every three days. Your chair started out by the bed, but after three days you’ll move it to the middle of the room and three days later to the door. In our Sleep Sense Program there’s a specific chapter for toddlers with a few extra steps on the way out of the door you might take a look at. Eventually though, you’re going to teach him to go to sleep on his own, to stay in bed, and to go to bed at a decent hour.

It’s also going to take time for his body to adjust to the big changes in his hours. After all, he’s used to going to bed late and then sleeping in the next day. We want to help his “clock” adjust to the new hours.

Let’s say on the first night of the new routine, after supper, the bath, the stories, everything, he’s asleep by 9 p.m. The next morning, help his “clock” along a bit by waking him up at 8 a.m. Open the door and start your day with him.

Don’t let him take a nap during the day. He’s going to go right from 8 a.m. until his 7 p.m. bedtime routine. If he falls asleep in the car for say twenty minutes, that’s okay. But because of his age, we’re not going to bother with an actual nap. The next day, the same thing. And the next, wake him up at 8 a.m. again.

It will take about a week or so for his body to adjust to the changes and for him to realize that there are now rules at bedtime. There’s no reason why he can’t fall asleep on his own at 8 o’clock. If you’re very clear and consistent with him, then soon, very soon, he will sleep well.