Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.

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This week’s question comes from Abdullah who writes:

“Our strong willed daughter is 21 months old and she wakes almost every hour and cries for us to pick her up and rock her back to sleep. Some nights, this will not even work and she forces us to put her in bed with us where she still requires more rocking and humming. My wife is pregnant again so we really want Asia to sleep all night in her crib.”

I can understand why you want her in her crib sleeping all night especially with a new baby on the way. It is actually very common for people to seek some advice when a new baby is on the way.

First of all, I wanted to have a quick look at your wording in this. I know it is hard when a baby does not sleep well. We say things like “She just would not…” or “She makes us…” Even adults say “I just cannot sleep unless I have my earplugs in.” or “I cannot sleep unless the fan is going”. The truth is that you can sleep without those things but you have just told yourself that you cannot. If you do not have them, it is going to cause you a little bit of anxiety. That anxiety is going to make it a little harder to get to sleep but if you are tired enough, you are going to sleep. You body needs sleep and will override everything that is going on in your mind and you will sleep.

Your daughter can sleep without rocking. You are the parent and so you have to remember that with bedtime and sleep, you are the boss. I have a two-year-old as well so I know how strong willed they can be when they really want something. You have got to set some clear boundaries for her so that she knows that you are the one that is in charge and she is the child. She will actually feel reassured by that. If a toddler has too much control, they usually feel a bit insecure about that so setting up some clear boundaries for her is really going to help.

If you want her to be in her own crib you have got to start there. You need a bedtime routine. Make sure there are about four or five steps laid out that are the same every night. She has a bath. She gets her pajamas on. She has some story time and then she goes into the crib awake. I would just stop all rocking. You can have some kisses and cuddles but no more rocking. That is her strategy for getting herself to sleep. She needs to say goodbye to that strategy and hello to something that is all her own.

Into the crib awake and to make a little bit of an easier transition for her I would suggest the stay in the room method that is outlined for toddlers in the Sleep Sense Program. That will allow you or your wife to stay present with her to be supportive. She is going to protest the change for sure. She is two. She is going to make her wants known and so you have got to be calm and supportive but you still have to show her that the crib is where she needs to be sleeping and doing it herself is also what she needs to be doing.

You could include something to give her a little bit of help. You could pick a stuffed toy of some kind. A teddy or a duck could do or whatever you want to choose; something small and cuddly. Maybe a special blanket that then becomes her sleeping blanket. If children have to practice a new strategy of getting themselves to sleep, they will often look for things within their own environment that offer comfort. Then a stuffed toy of some kind or a blanket will often become part of the strategy. You might see her eventually hugging the teddy or stroking the blanket to her cheek. She will just start figuring out ways that she can comfort herself within her own environment.

For every night waking, you will have to do the same thing. Go back and be with her, allowing her to fall asleep again in that crib. I would not bring her to bed with you at any point because you will just give her incentive to keep trying. I would not even have morning cuddles or anything like that in bed for now. A few months down the road, when she is sleeping on her own in her crib and she wants to come in for a morning cuddle and hug, that is fine. For now, best to steer clear of your bed.

Another thing to keep in mind Abdullah is that when the new baby comes, you can probably be pretty sure that she is going to test some boundaries again. Usually, a toddler’s reaction to a new baby is the regression in either sleep or potty training so when the baby comes just be cautious and careful about how you handle her bedtime. Chances are she will put up a bit of resistance around going to bed or sleeping through the night. She may want to come back to your bed again all of a sudden but you have got to be very clear about the boundaries for that. They should not budge. You have got to be careful that you do not let little things slide or pretty soon you can step back all the way back to the beginning and you will have to do this all over again.

So ease her insecurities around a new baby in other ways. Plan a special trip with just mommy and her. Just make sure that you are spending good time with her throughout the day so by the time bedtime rolls around, she is going to sleep in the bed in a cooperative way.

Thanks a lot for your question. Good luck with your two-year-old and sleep well!