You and Me Plus Baby... Minus You?

Being a woman, and being a mother, who writes this blog predominantly for other mothers, and whose audience and clients are usually women, I tend to tailor the content towards, well, women.

But there’s a whole army of hard working dads out there who are just as worthy of celebration, every bit as devoted and inspirational, still gods in the eyes of their children, and who work every bit as hard as us moms. So to all you diligent, loving, inspirational fathers out there, who are down in the diaper trenches with your wives, jumping on the nighttime meltdown grenades, you have the gratitude and respect of mothers everywhere. One day, the poets will write of your gallant deeds.

To the rest of you, get up off your butts and do some parenting.

Now, before you guys go getting your dander up, thinking that I’m singling you out just on the basis that you’re men, let me just say that I’m not making assumptions here. A study from Ohio State University (Go Buckeyes!) released last year showed that, in relationships where both partners were working full-time, and  planned to maintain an equal distribution of responsibilities after Baby arrived, the women ended up doing 7 weekly hours more childcare than their husbands, and the men actually scaled back their housework, by five hours a week!

That’s right. In the wake of all of these additional responsibilities, the men in this study were actually doing less housework than they were before the arrival of their baby. The complete opposite of what’s expected and, obviously, necessary.

Now, I’m no marriage counselor, but I can suggest a few ways that you might balance out the parenting scales that fall somewhat into my wheelhouse. So here are a few sleep-related ideas for helping to even the score, in case you find yourself handling more than your fair share during the day.

• Admit you want some help

Here’s a scenario I’ve seen countless times… Mom and Dad are telling me about their baby’s sleep routine, Mom says she’s exhausted and wishes Dad would help out more, and Dad gets a look of surprise and hurt when she says it.

New mothers are under an enormous amount of (unrealistic, unfair, unnecessary) societal pressure to be Supermoms, and to sacrifice their sleep, their time, and their sanity for their children, and so they often feel inadequate when they ask for help. From their partner! From the child’s other parent! It’s crazy, but it’s true. So many fathers I’ve worked with actually want a more active role in their baby’s daily activities, but feel they’re either not needed, or not up to the task. So don’t hesitate to tell your partner that you need him to get involved. Chances are, he’ll thank you for it.

• Split the routine

While you’re still breastfeeding, Baby might tend to make a little more fuss about settling down without a boob in her mouth. She knows it’s there, make no mistake, and given the choice, babies like to fall asleep while feeding. However, if Mom handles the feed at the start of the routine and then hands Baby off to Dad for the remainder, that distraction disappears.

If you’re bottle feeding, suggest to your partner that they take charge of providing the late night snacks. If they resist, tell them that it’s essential that Baby learns how to take a bottle from someone other than Mom, so that they’ll be okay when they’re left with a sitter or grandparent down the road. (It’s true. It’s sneaky but it’s true.)

• Put it in writing

A great way of establishing who’s responsible for what, and making sure things don’t get forgotten, is to put up a weekly chore checklist. Take a few minutes on a Sunday night and discuss what needs to be done the following week, and write it down. Ask your partner to put his name next to the tasks he’s going to be responsible for, and put yours next to whatever’s left.

There are two reasons I suggest letting your partner go first. One, it keeps you from coming across as “bossy,” whether the title is deserved or not, and two, it keeps you from adding your name to too many tasks, which a lot of moms tend to do in this situation.

• Let him be the expert

We’re all familiar with the comical image of the “incompetent dad” in the media. Don’t get me wrong, I like The Simpsons and Everybody Loves Raymond, but they definitely portray the father figures as bumbling, hapless idiots, and their characters seem to happily accept that role.

But nobody wants to feel like a fool in real life, especially when it comes to something as important as raising their own kids. So although you might be tempted to micro-manage the sleep routine after putting it in Dad’s hands, resist that urge. Give him the crucial points and then let him figure things out for himself. You might just be amazed at the progress that gets made after he and Baby have had some time to get the hang of it.

There’s more to be gained here than just your sanity and some time to yourself, although, hey, those are motivation enough, if you ask me. But bringing a baby up together is an incredible bonding experience, and one that can bring you and your husband closer together in an incomparable way, and when each of you have specific areas of expertise regarding your child, the feeling of collaboration and partnership is genuinely something special.

And in case you still need some motivation, let me just tell you, if you’ve never seen your rugged, virile, tough-guy husband singing “Hush Little Baby,” sister, you are missing out.