While many parents contend with fussing, crying, and protests at bedtime, what if your little one is perfectly content to play, sing, and chatter in their room for hours after bedtime comes and goes?
If you’ve got a would-be night owl on your hands, you’re not alone! Many parents go through a similar phase with their little ones. And have no fear, there is hope!
Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.
This week’s question is from Ingrid. She writes:
“My son is two years and three months, and he takes anywhere between 30 minutes on a good night to two and a half hours to go to sleep. My problem is that and he is happy. He gets out of bed constantly and plays in his room or reads books. It is not a matter of an upset boy. It is a matter of a tired boy the next day. I feel like I have tried every possible solution from getting angry to returning him to his bed. What can I do?”
Well, I think everyone assumes that when you are making changes to your child’s sleep habits, that you are going to be met with lots of tears and lots of protest but often (even with a baby) they are just happily playing in their crib and then you wonder what you should do. If you know he does not seem upset, you might wonder whether you should go in or leave them be.
Here are some suggestions for you. First of all, I am wondering if he still napping during the day. That could be causing part of the problem if he is. At two years and three months, he could be starting to transition out of his day time nap.
What tends to happen with that is that the toddler will seem ready and happily go down for a nap and sleep for a couple of hours, no problem. However, when bedtime rolls around there are lots of games or protests and stalling and bedtime gets pushed later and later, into the 8:30-9:00pm area. If that could be part of if I would consider pulling his nap. It will be tough because it takes about a month for a toddler to transition out of a daytime nap. So there will be days when he is grumpy and he seems like he could really use a nap but just hang in there and maybe move bedtime earlier to compensate.
If he is not napping, he should be going to bed between 7:00-7:30 PM and what you might want to do is just make sure his bedtime routine is really predictable and step by step. I a half hour routine of getting him ready for bed with a bath, getting jammies on and reading stories. Because of his age, depending on how verbal he is and how his comprehension skills are, you could try offering a bit of a reward system. Choose something really simple and I suggest you write it down; it tends to seem more concrete when a toddler sees that it is being written down. Make it so that if he stays in his bed and tries to sleep, in the morning he can have a smartee or a cookie or a sticker. Something that would be rewarding enough, that he might give it a try. It might not make a difference, but I think it is worth a try to kind of keep it on the positive note. Make it known that he really needs to stay in his bed that he needs to be quiet and really try to go to sleep. Once he is in his bed and lights are out I suggest you leave; it does not sound to me like he has got fears of being in there on his own or anything like that. So there is no point in staying; I would just make your exit and good night.
Another thing you might want to do is take things out of his room that are causing distractions. I know in your question you said he gets up and he plays with his toys and he reads his books. Move all that stuff to another location and maybe it can be part of the reward for good behavior. So that if he has gone for a whole week without getting out of his bed and without playing with toys or reading books, then he can have those things come back to his room, as long as he makes good choices about what he should be doing it bedtime. Take out all distractions. I know it is a bit of a hassle and I have had clients who have stripped the room bare so that all that is in there in his bed. You have a job to do, which is instilling bedtime routines and making sure that the boundaries are clear, but you can’t actually force someone to sleep if they will not.
If he wants to lay in his bed and have a bit of a chat to himself or do a little bit of singing before he goes to sleep, you can not really do much to control that. Maybe it is part of his winding down that he sings a few songs he remembers through the day, or whatever the case maybe. I would not worry too much about that, because as long as he is in his bed and is being reasonably quiet. If he is bouncing up and down and yelling loudly, then it is definitely worth going in to remind him.
I do not know if he does come out of his room, but if does should be some sort of consequence. So if he came out of his room I would say, “That is one warning. You may not come out of your room or there will be a consequence.”
For toddlers, a consequences are might be closing the door. A lot of toddlers like to have their doors at least partly open and do not like the idea of being closed solid. You might say “If you are going to come out again, I am going to close your door.” You do not have to close it for the entire night, you can just close it for five minutes and then remind him again he needs to stay in his room or you will close the door. If he comes out again, you close the close the door for five more minutes. First should be for five minutes and then it would be ten and then fifteen. Usually they stop testing pretty quickly into that, because most toddlers really find that and undesirable consequence.
If that is going to make no difference to him then maybe he has a teddy that he sleeps with or special blanket that is a big part of his sleep strategy. You can withdraw that item if he is not cooperating. Go in, remind him, take teddy, and walk out for five minutes. Then bring teddy back and again remind him of the rules. If he is still not cooperating, go in and take teddy for ten minutes this time and bring it back and again. Those sort of consequences also stop the behavior fairly quickly. There is no point at getting angry at him, because lots of toddlers are looking for attention, so even negative attention is still attention.
Just be really neutral; the less talking you do the better it goes. You might just have to go for a few nights of looking in this room for distractions, totally ignoring him. That way he is not getting rewards out of it and that should help speed things up a little. Eventually he is going to get bored of lying in his bed and singing and trying to get you to come in and he is going to stop.
That is my best suggestion for your son. The good news is that he is comfortable being on his own, which is a struggle for a lot of parents so, you don’t have to battle that one. It is just a matter of reminding him what the rules are about bedtime and that these are things you can do and these are things you cannot do. That should help steer him in the right direction.
Thanks for your question Ingrid — and sleep well!
Read on to learn how to troubleshoot your toddler’s over-extended bedtime and get them into a healthy sleep routine!
Step One: Take a Look at Naps
Is your little one still napping during the day? If so, that might be the culprit. At two years old, toddlers are slowly easing into a longer, consolidated nighttime sleep, and losing the need for the daytime nap.
When they get to this point but they’re still going down for a one or two-hour nap, the end result can be a drawn-out bedtime.
The solution? You may want to consider pulling their afternoon nap. (I know, it’s a big step – but ultimately, if they’re ready, it’s the right step to ensure that they’re getting the quality nighttime sleep they need!)
Like any big change in a toddler’s life, graduating from the daytime nap can be a bit daunting. But hang in there and stay consistent. Your little one will adapt, and their nighttime sleep will settle into a great pattern!
Thinking it might be time to end your little one’s naps, but aren’t sure how to go about it? Check out this video!
Step Two: Dial In Your Bedtime Routine
If your little one has stopped napping during the day but still takes forever to get to sleep at night, take a look at your bedtime routine.
A solid, consistent routine will go a long way towards moving your child from waking to sleep. By following the same steps every night, you establish strong “time for sleep” cues in your toddler’s mind.
I recommend the following steps for a toddler’s bedtime routine:
A bath will help relax your child
Pyjamas will get them comfortable for sleep
Story time is a great way to bond with your child at bedtime
Time to be tucked into bed!
Following a consistent, well-crafted bedtime routine can make a big difference in baby’s sleep habits. For more tips on putting one together, check this out!
Give these simple steps a try. If you stick to them, your little one will start to “know the drill” at bedtime, and the consistent sleep cues will help them get to sleep faster and more easily.
Step Three: Optimize Your Child’s Sleep Surroundings
Once you’ve got your bedtime routine down to a science, I’d recommend taking a look at your child’s room.
At two or three years old, your little one is busily absorbing sights, sounds, and sensations. They’re constantly curious and constantly learning – and it can be tough for them to stop when bedtime rolls around.
At this age, distractions are often at the root of your child’s delayed sleep. Who wants to get some shut-eye when there are books and toys close at hand?
The solution? If you suspect that the stuff in your toddler’s sleep space is keeping them from nodding off, do your best to remove the distractions. Yes, this may involve removing toys, stuffed animals, and books from their room until they’ve put some solid sleep strategies in place.
I have a bit of a “deep dive” into how to create an ideal nursery that you can check out by clicking here.
Step Four: Offer Incentives
If your toddler is getting to the stage where they can understand a reward system, go ahead and give one a try!
Sit down with your little one and explain that if they stay in bed, close their eyes, and do their best to get to sleep, they can have a treat in the morning.
Choose something small that you know will motivate them, whether that’s a cookie or a sticker. You can even put together a reward chart to get them excited by the challenge.
Step Five: Establish Consequences
So, you’ve got the routine down pat, and your child’s room is free from distractions. What do you do if they’re still getting up, playing, and not showing signs of slowing down and sleeping?
It’s time to consider consequences for your child’s behavior, especially if they’re being disruptive by yelling, jumping on the bed, or coming out of their room repeatedly.
Ensure that you’ve set clear boundaries. Let your little one know that you expect them to lay down quietly and do their best to try to sleep. And be clear about the consequences should they cross those boundaries.
You know your little one best, so choose a consequence that you know will be meaningful to them. In my experience, one of the most effective consequences for toddlers is “locking the door” – holding the door closed.
If they choose to get up, shout, sing, or otherwise ignore the bedtime boundaries, give them one warning. If they keep up the behavior, shut the door without engaging with them too much.
Start with 5 minutes, then settle them back in bed. If they still don’t want to settle, repeat the consequence, this time for 10 minutes. Keep this up until your little one understands that the door is going to stay closed when they don’t follow the bedtime playbook.
If you’re dealing with a toddler who keeps leaving their room at night, and want some tips for explaining rules and consequences to them, check out this video.
In my experience, it only takes a few nights of consequencing “out of bounds” behavior before a toddler adapts to the bedtime rules.
Step Six: Relax
My final tip? Don’t stress the small stuff. If your little one seems happy, and is simply chatting or humming quietly to themselves, it may be that this is part of their self-soothing strategy. As long as these habits aren’t stretching long into the night or disrupting you or other members of the family, don’t worry about it too much.
Get Bedtime Back on Track!
There you have it! The first step is to figure out if it’s time to transition your little one away from daytime naps. Once you’ve gotten that sorted out, help your toddler put solid sleep strategies in place with a consistent bedtime routine, a sleep environment that’s optimized for quality sleep, and an effective set of incentives and consequences.
With these simple steps, you and your toddler will soon be on track for a shorter, sweeter bedtime. Sweet dreams!
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